am really reflective and it sometimes comes out as a somber read. I love life and I am just going through things that will one day pass, but for now it feels good to write out my frustrations and feelings.What are we so afraid of? And why do these fears control us so fervently.
Fact: I am a people person. I love to be around people. I love to make others happy.
This is probably why I look forward to Sundays when I get to work on a team and work with youth. It's a blast and definitely the highlight of my week. First of all I get to do what I love more than anything in the world and that is to play music that pleases the Lord and in turn, hopefully, help others engage as well.
Fact: I am flawed. I do things that upset others. I feel it when people are upset with me.
And I get concerned. Concerned isn't even a strong enough word for what goes on inside of me. I let it eat away at everything I do. From the moment I learn that someone has ill feelings toward me I just let it sink it. I sit, stare, space out. It's usually followed by several huge sighs. I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate it when someone doesn't like me. I suspect my personality has a great deal to do with it.
There are just some people I'll never be able to please, but how can you just be ok with that? How can you just let it not affect you? Wouldn't you want to try and fight to earn their trust or respect? That's usually what I end up doing or thinking about doing. It's hard to be ok with just understanding that you can't please everyone. Please get a chance to know me. I'm not a bad person. I swear! eek.
Fact: I am alone. I am lonely. It's not easy to be alone. It's not easy to be lonely.
I am sick of this feeling. I am learning to deal with it a little better (thanks to writing and Sufjan Stevens), but I still have my moments. And I guess I'm ok with not having a girlfriend right now, but I want to find some peace in that. I'm ok with being single, I just want to be filled up by God so that I am ready to be a good boyfriend when he allows me to be one.
I believe that people struggle much harder with loneliness not because they feel so alone but because when they try to reach out to feel loved it's extremely difficult to do so when you don't have something tangible to make you feel better. I'm sick of being sad. It's hard to read black and white text and expect to feel the love of an unseen distant Lord. I can't feel Him wrap his arms around me. I can't feel Him hug me and tell me everything will be alright. And it's hard. It's so hard.
Fact: God's grace is really enough.
I need to keep telling that to myself. I know it's true. I need to be a stronger leader. I've been told that I shouldn't write all of these sad things in my blog because it makes me look weak. I think that it's just the opposite. I hope that this is helpful to my peers and those who may be younger than me. Being a leader does not mean that you have yourself figured out. We are all going through life at the same time. It's my hope that you might learn from the things I have experienced. One of my biggest fears is that my life is unimportant and hasn't had an affect on someone.
I do struggle with life, but I'm in an ever constant pursuit to be like Christ. I want to be a man after God's own heart. So I press on. It's going to be hard. God never promised that my life was going to be easy and it surely hasn't been a walk in the park.
Do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry
That life is anxious
Life is mean"
-Sufjan Stevens
love.
3 comments:
do you love everyone you know?
i'm not trying to be snotty but i'm truly just asking...
that is an issue i struggle with as well; making sure i'm liked. i'm pretty sure i always want to fix it when i know people are upset with me or simply dont like me. but i cant change the way people feel about me.
i feel good that i know there are people that love who i am. but just like there are people who dont like me, there are people who i dont like. i dont think God made everyone to get along. maybe thats why we can change. i see "love your neighbor as yourself" as accepting them, and learning to love them. there are still a lot of people that i'm learning to love.
i feel really dumb responding to your blog because i'm not sure that you want my opinion. yes, its the way i see things, but it may not be the Godly or right way to see things.
...see, great representation of my insecurity.
Fact: Dignan, the picture's not doing it for me right now.
Well does the fact that I'm trying to do it do it for you?
Almost my whole life I have gotten frustrated and upset and just confused when people don't like me. You try and be nice or make them laugh or get their friends to accept you and it just ain't happen'n. But like Alicia said, God didn't make everyone to get along. I'm sure that was His original plan, but it got messed up through sin. But I think God still can use that to put the right people in our lives. There have been some people who I just wanted so badly to be accepted by. Looking back on it now, I don't think that person would've played a very significant role in helping me develop into who I am. I'm content with who I am and I know I've become that way through the people I've interacted with throughout my life; The people God placed specifically in my path. Look at it as a blessing that you aren't liked by everyone. God doesn't see their friendship as important to you and you know and I know that God definitely has your best interest in mind.
Secondly, I think it's awesome that you're becoming who God wants you to be before you pursue a relationship with a girl. You said in your entry "I hope that this is helpful to my peers and those who may be younger than me." Seeing you put a relationship with God over a dating relationship is amazingly encouraging.
Keep writing entries like this. Some of us don't get to see your deep side too often.
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