pain

The truth is there are things in my life that I want very badly, but can not (and though I would not like to admit, should not) have at this moment in time. Not inherently evil nor wicked, not vile or offensive. These are things in my life that I long to have, that I desire, but would not be proper nor beneficial at this point in my life. God has given me specific instructions in my life and I am discovering that whether or not I comply His good and perfect will, will be done. It is my choice to be used by Him either as a son of God or as a tool to carry out his plan. As C.S. Lewis describes it, "you will certainly carry out God's purpose, however you act, but it make a difference to you whether you serve like Judas or John." God uses situations that can be evil and turns them into good. Situations where I want something but God says, "not so fast." To go on without these things would stir up a pain that I simply cannot stand to bear.

And the fluke about the whole mess is that God actually uses these seemingly negative positions to produce a good in us that we can never dream of duplicating ourselves on our own accord. We (and by we I mean I) spend some much our life trying to avoid pain. Pain and suffering are never things that we pursue. Yet we would all agree that they are a means to build character and obedience as well as spur on spiritual maturity. So we go about our lives trying to steer clear of any kind of affliction that may be heading our way. Should we run into any kind of hindrance we battle through it hoping that it will be our last.

If I just tackle this one area then I'll be able to finally live life joyfully for the rest of my days.

Unfortunately, this mentality will never hold water. You see, if we really believe James' encouragement that we should consider it 'pure joy' when faced with trials then we should also believe that pain/trials/suffering are a natural step in the growth process. Not always the one way to achieve growth, but often times a sure sign that we are in the midst of a growing season as believers. Based on this belief of growing as a direct result of trials in our lives, we must then also believe (and anticipate) that these trials will not cease until God fully redeems this world at the end of all things. For as long as I am alive I will continue to be pressed, but not shaken. Knocked down, but not knocked out. Persecuted, but surely not abandoned.

"sins do cause grace to abound, but we must not make that an excuse for continuing to sin."

For too long I've been hiding behind God's grace to forgive me of all sin that I might go on doing the things I know I should not in order that I may avoid pain and hurting. The same pain and hurting that can only help me to grow in the end. Therefore, once I press on past the temporary discomfort of my flesh then can I truly begin to be a son of God and grow by great strides. It is ultimately freeing. I can finally find myself at rest when I get rid of the excuses and justifications for acting the way I have been. I can finally begin to mature and live a life that is in pursuit of holiness. What a joy that in itself is! There will be no more deceiving myself in believing that what I do in secret does not displease God, who knows me inside and out. He must become greater, I must become less.

But I do not forget what I am being patient for. I will not fail to remember the reward that is waiting for me in the end. The prize is worth all of the pain and suffering that being obedient and patient may bring.

And frankly I have too much to be happy about right now to dwell and live with this pain for too long.

Your grace is enough for me.

love.