paint

I can no longer say that I've never painted before. That's pretty cool. Katie has been trying to get me to paint for a good 3 years now and this week I finally gave in, but you know what? It was great.















Not as goofy as Troy's, I know. In fact it's really kind of creepy.

Radiohead is my favorite band and has been for a long time. So, I decided to pay tribute to an amazing band that will probably continue to astonish and creep me out all at the same time.

I love Radiohead. You should too.

love.

tradition

I've been hearing a lot of talk about Lent this year, probably more so than I have in any other year I can remember. I'm not even sure how to approach all of this, because I have yet to figure out where I fall into place in this picture. But here are my thoughts that I have been wrestling with for a few weeks concerning Lent but moreover tradition.

Tradition is a peculiar thing to me. We are definitely creatures of habit and yet the artsy part of me wants to continually reinvent myself or the things I'm doing. This is obviously contradictory. Can you have tradition and reinvent simultaneously? Probably not. So I guess many of us are stuck in this cycle of pushing forward and looking backward. Well then, what takes precedence?

There is great value, I believe, in living within our context. You are never going to reach out to someone using very structured, organized, repetitive faith. Repetition, to me, is an easy way to find yourself very bored very fast with even the most exciting stories and the best news. I get upset when I see Christian sub-culture becoming more and more exclusive. In many churches I've observed a trend, which I'm equally as guilty of, in which they place high importance on community (which is a necessary and great thing) and little on how they are being light in a world that is very much consumed by darkness.

All that to say that there is value in being engaged in culture. This example may be widely overused but if we look to follow Jesus and we observe where he's been and what he'd do then we can see that he found himself immersed in culture and hanging out with what would be considered filth by not only today's society, but Christians as well. Then what are we so afraid of? I will not blindly let my children do what they wish without concern about their spiritual welfare, but when they are wise enough to know that they are to be in the world and not of it then there can be great worth in allowing them to observe the word as society views it (i.e. movies, music, etc.). This step into culture requires a bit of straying from traditional practices of Christianity in which we have a cookie cutter form for each believer.

Growing up I think I was trained to just assume that tradition, specifically within Catholicism, was a bad way to find God. For years I thought my friends who were Catholic really didn't understand Christianity. I believe that tradition was an evil that was destroying God's message. The older I've gotten the more I've come to believe that I was missing much of the point. Liturgy is just as important now (maybe even more so) as it was when it began in the book of Acts at the foundations of the Church.

I like to relate tradition to hymns. There is a resurgence of hymns in the modern Church that is very powerful. For me personally there is something exciting about singing the words that someone wrote in a completely different time and a completely different context. When we study the history behind the hymns/words we sing they take on new meaning and empower us to worship the creator of all things more passionately. I don't believe the authors really could even imagine the impact their words would have on many generations to come. So our tradition of singing the same words for hundreds of years is something to be excited about and when we look at tradition in this light there is a great deal of benefit to be had from it.

If Christ is unchanging then can it be wrong that we find ourselves in worship that is unchanging?

Let's perhaps rethink our stance on tradition, not losing ourselves in repetition, but gaining momentum as we build on what millions of other followers of Christ have already started.

love.

nature anthem

This post is completely ridiculous, but I have to post this.

If you like animals dancing and happy music this is for you my friend.

The Nature Anthem by Grandaddy














"I wanna walk up the side of a mountain
I wanna walk down the other side of a mountain
I wanna swim in the river and lie in the sun
I wanna try to be nice to everyone."

I love this song.
You'll be singing this for days, hopefully years.

love.

sigur ros

I wasn't sure if it was possible, but this was the most beautiful, brilliant, amazing, emotional concert I've ever been too. I can honestly say I've never seen a better concert from opening to ending there is nothing I would have changed. I already had a lot of respect for Sigur Ros but this just solidifies them as one of the best bands, yup I'm just going to say it... ever.

I can't even describe how amazing it was.

Unbelievable.

























































When we get to heaven I hope (I know) the music there is as beautiful and passionate as this.
love.

grandrapids

Agenda for this weekend:

1. Drive to Grand Rapids.
2. Meet with Steve Argue.
3. Spend time with quality people.
4. Wait for the arrival of Troy.
5. Attend a Sigur Ros show!!!!

This will be great.

Have a wonderful weekend. Stay safe.

love.

vday

It's valentines day.

I don't have a valentine, but someday I will.














So wife, wherever you are right now,
you are wonderful and I cannot wait to meet you.

love.

d webb

Derek Webb was phenomenal, just like last time.

The thing that I like about his shows are that during his set he
discusses some deep theological and ethical issues that we all
need to think about it. I always leave feeling really convicted,
in the best sense possible.

He pushed for lots of aid to Africa and the 1000 wells project,
which was real exciting to me, because I helped out with that
a few months back.

And a photo...














love.

poly sci

My political science class, Local and State Government, makes me think very hard about the things I have believed and have never tried defending. It's a challenge and I LIKE it.

Keeping God at the forefront of my political beliefs is tough business.

I have not much of value to post, sorry.

love.

blast

more pictures from this weekend soon!
if you want to see more www.hopevale.org

love.

really

gosh!

when are we going to really believe that love wins?










lord, help us to love everyone even when it hurts.

love.

retreat

Currently Listening to: Aqualung

Later today I'll be in Hillsdale leading worship for a few hundred kids and I'm pretty excited about it. It's just now starting to sink in. This is exactly what I want to be doing with the rest of my life if it is where God leads.

What a privaledge it is to sing and play music with others.

Hopefully I'll be able to pick up some wireless reception down in Hillsdale so I can post as the weekend progresses.

Oh, and... I want to go to seminary in California. Maybe Fuller Theological (Pasedena) or Bethel (San Diego). Eeek, this might be fun!

When you get a chance, please pray for my heart and the other members of the band's hearts. Let us gain as much out of this weekend as the ones we are leading.

love.

ps. I've been watching too much Disney Channel for my own good I think.

anxious

DISCLAIMER: I am not depressed, dork. I am not always sad, but when I write on here I am really reflective and it sometimes comes out as a somber read. I love life and I am just going through things that will one day pass, but for now it feels good to write out my frustrations and feelings.



What are we so afraid of? And why do these fears control us so fervently.


Fact: I am a people person. I love to be around people. I love to make others happy.

This is probably why I look forward to Sundays when I get to work on a team and work with youth. It's a blast and definitely the highlight of my week. First of all I get to do what I love more than anything in the world and that is to play music that pleases the Lord and in turn, hopefully, help others engage as well.

Fact: I am flawed. I do things that upset others. I feel it when people are upset with me.

And I get concerned. Concerned isn't even a strong enough word for what goes on inside of me. I let it eat away at everything I do. From the moment I learn that someone has ill feelings toward me I just let it sink it. I sit, stare, space out. It's usually followed by several huge sighs. I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate it when someone doesn't like me. I suspect my personality has a great deal to do with it.

There are just some people I'll never be able to please, but how can you just be ok with that? How can you just let it not affect you? Wouldn't you want to try and fight to earn their trust or respect? That's usually what I end up doing or thinking about doing. It's hard to be ok with just understanding that you can't please everyone. Please get a chance to know me. I'm not a bad person. I swear! eek.

Fact: I am alone. I am lonely. It's not easy to be alone. It's not easy to be lonely.

I am sick of this feeling. I am learning to deal with it a little better (thanks to writing and Sufjan Stevens), but I still have my moments. And I guess I'm ok with not having a girlfriend right now, but I want to find some peace in that. I'm ok with being single, I just want to be filled up by God so that I am ready to be a good boyfriend when he allows me to be one.

I believe that people struggle much harder with loneliness not because they feel so alone but because when they try to reach out to feel loved it's extremely difficult to do so when you don't have something tangible to make you feel better. I'm sick of being sad. It's hard to read black and white text and expect to feel the love of an unseen distant Lord. I can't feel Him wrap his arms around me. I can't feel Him hug me and tell me everything will be alright. And it's hard. It's so hard.

Fact: God's grace is really enough.

I need to keep telling that to myself. I know it's true. I need to be a stronger leader. I've been told that I shouldn't write all of these sad things in my blog because it makes me look weak. I think that it's just the opposite. I hope that this is helpful to my peers and those who may be younger than me. Being a leader does not mean that you have yourself figured out. We are all going through life at the same time. It's my hope that you might learn from the things I have experienced. One of my biggest fears is that my life is unimportant and hasn't had an affect on someone.

I do struggle with life, but I'm in an ever constant pursuit to be like Christ. I want to be a man after God's own heart. So I press on. It's going to be hard. God never promised that my life was going to be easy and it surely hasn't been a walk in the park.

Do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry
That life is anxious
Life is mean"
-Sufjan Stevens

love.

antsy.

Do you ever just feel anxious? I do. In fact I do right now. It's 2:30 in the morning and I can not sleep. I just feel really stressed out about so many things right now. I don't even know why.

I feel like I'm running on empty. Spiritually running on empty. I think I have been for sometime now. It isn't that I'm shying away from God; it's that I'm trying to just manage my life on my own with me in the driver seat and God more of a passenger than anything.

If I'm really honest with myself I think I am having a hard time trusting God with the things in my life right now. I'm convinced that this age can put a lot of stress on someone. The decisions I am making right now, as well as in the next few years, are ones that will ultimately shape the rest of my life. That's a bit scary.

I'm just a kid.

What will be left when I've drawn my last breath
Besides the folks I've met and the folks who know me
Will I discover a soul-saving love or
Just the dirt above and below me

I'm a doubting Thomas
I took a promise
But I do not feel safe
Oh me of little faith

Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face
Then a bed to be spared cause I'm a coward
If there's a master of death I'll bet he's holding his breath
Cause' I show the blind and tell the deaf about his power

I'm a doubting Thomas
I can't keep my promises
Cause' I don't know what's safe
Oh me of little faith

Can I be used to help others find truth
When I'm scared I'll find proof that it's a lie
Can I be lead down a trail dropping bread crumbs
That prove I'm not ready to die

Please give me time to decipher the signs
Please forgive me for time that I've wasted

I'm a doubting Thomas
I'll take Your promise
Though I know nothing's safe
Oh me of little faith.

-Nickel Creek

I still have much to be thankful for.
Thank you for loving me guys, because sometimes I don't deserve it.

love.

false.

i know you stay true
when my world is false
everything around is
breaking down to chaos

i always see you
when my sight is lost
everything around is
breaking down to chaos



i can't avoid what i can't control

love.

myPod

I did a little collage last time I got an iPod so I decided to do one this time around.

I got lucky and was actually home and watched the fedex truck pull up! Eeek!















































Oh it is glorious.

If you can't read the engraving it says "holy is the sound" which is a line from a Sufjan Stevens song off of his Seven Swans cd.

Also, in case you weren't sure that Apple will soon take over the world...

In a sign of Apple’s massive cultural influence, jean maker Levi's is reportedly making a special edition of its popular pants that have a fitted pocket for the iPod. Even more evidence of the iPod's dominance.

love.

class

Gross. School started for us college kids this Monday. I am not thrilled about the whole experience either. I think school (or my mindset about it) automatically makes me depressed. I just want this semester to be over with already. I will eat my words in a few years I'm told, but for right now I still would rather be in a career doing what I will be doing for the rest of my life.

4 more months until summer vacation!

Is it too early to start a countdown?

It is? .. oh well.

love.

allegiance

"My first allegiance is not to a flag, a country, or a man
my first allegiance is not to democracy or blood
it's to a King and a kingdom.

But nothing unifies like a common enemy
and we've got one, sure as hell
but he may be living in your house
he may be raising up your kids
he may be sleeping with your wife
oh no, he may not look like you think."
- derek webb

wow.
i'll be sure to expand on this soon.

love.

christmas 2005

i played santa.














michaela and paul.














father.



















katie and brett.














mother.














my new toy.














it's raining outside?

love.

chronic

Probably the funniest thing this season of SNL.










I seriously haven't laughed this hard in a long time.

"Well let's hit up Yahoo Maps to find the dopest route.
I prefer MapQuest...
That's a good one, too...
Google Maps is the best...
True dat!
DOUBLE TRUE!"

love.

pain

The truth is there are things in my life that I want very badly, but can not (and though I would not like to admit, should not) have at this moment in time. Not inherently evil nor wicked, not vile or offensive. These are things in my life that I long to have, that I desire, but would not be proper nor beneficial at this point in my life. God has given me specific instructions in my life and I am discovering that whether or not I comply His good and perfect will, will be done. It is my choice to be used by Him either as a son of God or as a tool to carry out his plan. As C.S. Lewis describes it, "you will certainly carry out God's purpose, however you act, but it make a difference to you whether you serve like Judas or John." God uses situations that can be evil and turns them into good. Situations where I want something but God says, "not so fast." To go on without these things would stir up a pain that I simply cannot stand to bear.

And the fluke about the whole mess is that God actually uses these seemingly negative positions to produce a good in us that we can never dream of duplicating ourselves on our own accord. We (and by we I mean I) spend some much our life trying to avoid pain. Pain and suffering are never things that we pursue. Yet we would all agree that they are a means to build character and obedience as well as spur on spiritual maturity. So we go about our lives trying to steer clear of any kind of affliction that may be heading our way. Should we run into any kind of hindrance we battle through it hoping that it will be our last.

If I just tackle this one area then I'll be able to finally live life joyfully for the rest of my days.

Unfortunately, this mentality will never hold water. You see, if we really believe James' encouragement that we should consider it 'pure joy' when faced with trials then we should also believe that pain/trials/suffering are a natural step in the growth process. Not always the one way to achieve growth, but often times a sure sign that we are in the midst of a growing season as believers. Based on this belief of growing as a direct result of trials in our lives, we must then also believe (and anticipate) that these trials will not cease until God fully redeems this world at the end of all things. For as long as I am alive I will continue to be pressed, but not shaken. Knocked down, but not knocked out. Persecuted, but surely not abandoned.

"sins do cause grace to abound, but we must not make that an excuse for continuing to sin."

For too long I've been hiding behind God's grace to forgive me of all sin that I might go on doing the things I know I should not in order that I may avoid pain and hurting. The same pain and hurting that can only help me to grow in the end. Therefore, once I press on past the temporary discomfort of my flesh then can I truly begin to be a son of God and grow by great strides. It is ultimately freeing. I can finally find myself at rest when I get rid of the excuses and justifications for acting the way I have been. I can finally begin to mature and live a life that is in pursuit of holiness. What a joy that in itself is! There will be no more deceiving myself in believing that what I do in secret does not displease God, who knows me inside and out. He must become greater, I must become less.

But I do not forget what I am being patient for. I will not fail to remember the reward that is waiting for me in the end. The prize is worth all of the pain and suffering that being obedient and patient may bring.

And frankly I have too much to be happy about right now to dwell and live with this pain for too long.

Your grace is enough for me.

love.